One of these three has got to work
The Scowler has had a lot of trouble sleeping of late. I don't blame it on the terrorists or the economy because in my case "of late" means about the last twelve years. I finally bit the proverbial bullet and consulted our family physician, C.D. Arpeggio, M.D.
"Dr. A. I've had a helluva lot of trouble getting more than two or three hours of sleep at night and I wonder if you can prescribe anything that will remedy this situation."
"Of course, there are several pharmaceuticals I can recommend for insomnia but first let me ask. Are you having trouble in your marriage? When you lie awake at night, do you have feelings of guilt? Are you a regular church goer? If not, have you heard of the Church of Scientology? I am only too happy to help you deal with these demons that assail you.
"Wait a minute. Just hold on there Doc. Have you been taking those correspondence school courses in psychology again?"
"Well, as a matter of fact I have but that has nothing to do with my making a determination of what's at the root cause of your anxiety."
"Lack of sleep is what is at the root cause of my anxiety. I'm not going to lie on anyone's couch unless I can doze off."
"As you can see, I don't have a couch in my office. Those damned accountants in the business office wouldn't approve it. Have you considered sleep laboratories?"
"No and I don't want to. Let's start over. Do you have any ideas to alleviate my sleeplessness?"
"Certainly. There are drugs I can recommend that are quite effective with few or no side effects, Ambien, for instance or Halcyon.
"Nix, Doc. I don't want to take drugs. I'm prejudiced against all drugs, except booze, of course. I don't want them in my system. I hesitated at the Sominex display recently but I decided to come here to see you instead. I thought there might be other therapies you could suggest."
"Well, I don't know. One of my colleagues has told me he has had some success with his patients watching television. Do you watch television?"
"Of course I watch television. Whatta think I am, a Muslim?"
"That being the case, I suggest you tune into a Barbara Walters interview. This has worked for many insomniacs. If that doesn't work, you might try watching the Charlie Rose Show before retiring for the night. Or how about Ally McBeal? That show is so terrible that many viewers nod right off before the first commercial. Finally, if you're still experiencing sleepless symptoms, a New York Giants football game should be just the ticket. Good luck."
"Thanks, Doc, I'm getting sleepy already just thinking of the Giants."