Earlier this week, the Scowler had a colonoscopy and I thought you might like to know how it went.
Nurse Nadia: Good afternoon, Mr. Scowler, do you have your HMO referral number?
Scowler: Yes, but they said they would have to do an exhaustive review of the medical history of all of my ancestors back to 1850 before the final, final, final approval was given.
Nurse Nadia: Oh those devils, they always go back 150 years. They've got the bottom line to consider. Remember that.
Nurses Nancy and Nicole: (in unison) We will be your attending nurses this afternoon. Now go into the changing room and put on this silly hospital gown but do not tie it in the back.
Scowler does as he is told.
Nurse Nancy: (whispering) Did you see that butt?
Nurse Nicole: (whispering) How could I miss eet. La derriere extraordinaire!
Nurse Nancy: Gluteus to the maximus!
Nurse Nicole: Have you been having symptoms or is thaire a heestory of colon problems in ze famille, Meester Scowlaire?
Scowler: No, it's just that a colonoscopy is recommended for men over 50.
Nurse Nancy: (whispering) Over 50! I can't believe it. So virile, so handsome!
Nurse Nicole: (whispering) And you might say, so debonaire!
Nurse Nancy: (whispering) I would never say debonaire.
Nurse Nancy: Did you take all of your Fleet Phoso-Soda, Mr. Scowler?
Scowler: Yes, I developed quite a taste for it.
Nurse Nancy: Ha ha, I think you are pulling our legs. (sotto voce) I wish.
Nurse Nicole: Ha ha, you make a leetle choke, I think, you might say a bon mot.
Nurse Nancy: I would never say a bon mot.
Then there ensued a long tedious explanation of all of the IVs and the monitoring they would do.
Nurse Nadia: Here is Dr. Nimblefinger now.
I expected a drumroll but no, just old Nimblefinger who explained that there was the slightest possibility that he could perforate the colon, however he assured me that he had done thousands of these colonoscopies and had not done so. Yet, he added, chortling at his bit of medical whimsey. The process began and the Scowler watched the process unfold, so to speak, on a TV screen. Then...
Dr. Nimblefinger: Nurse, apply some pressure to his back.
Nurse Nicole: I will do eet.
Nurse Nancy: No, let me.
Dr. Nimblefinger: Just one of you, the other one should watch that whatzis over there.
Nurse Nancy: You mean the machine that is monitoring his blood pressure, heart and oxygen level?
Dr. Nimblefinger: Yes, yes. Now Nurse Nicole push hard on the back. No, not mine. Mr. Scowler's back. Mr. Scowler, the reason for the pressure is that I have to turn a corner here.
Scowler: I hope you're using your turn signal.
Nurse Nicole: Oh ha, ha, ha ha. Another leetle choke.
Dr. Nimblefinger: How are you doing, Mr. Scowler, are you O.K.?
Scowler: I'm thinking about DiMaggio.
Dr. Nimblefinger: DiMaggio? The guy that owns that deli in Mt. Kisco?
Scowler: No, the guy that had the 56 game hitting streak.
Dr. Nimblefinger: I thought he died.
Scowler: I wasn't thinking about that. I was focused on the end of that streak. You're on a streak yourself.
Dr Nimblefinger: Oh, you mean the dreadful puncturing of the colon. Whoops! Ha ha, just kidding. You have a superb looking colon although none of these exams is 100 percent foolproof.
Scowler: (thinking to himself) Then what the hell am I doing here?
Dr. Nimblefinger: Nurse how does that gizmo look?
Nurse Nancy: You mean the monitor? Everything's peachy keen.
Dr. Nimblefinger: Well, that's it. We will want to do this again in ten years.
Scowler: Should we make it the same day, September 27th in 2010?
Dr. Nimblefinger: Let me see...(looks at a huge appoinment book) no I'm attending a conference in Berlin that week. I won't be able to take you until November that year. Maybe you better call my people.
Scowler: Doctor, I have one question...(he was out the door before I finished my question).
Nurse Nadia: (wheeling me to the recovery room) that's our Dr. Nimblefinger, he has the quickest reflexes of anyone on the staff. Now, Mr. Scowler, what can I get you to drink?
Scowler: Scotch.
Nurse Nadia: Oh you are so naughty. Now why would you ask for that?
Scowler: I didn't think you'd have Jamison.
Well, that was it, more or less, at least that's how I remember it.