Persistent, unexplained headaches sent me to the neighborhood neurologist, Wolfgang Schmuck, MD, recently. I thought that I had developed migraines (as our British friends would say "me-grains") which was surprising because I had never before been bothered by this type of headache.
After I had spent about a half hour filling out the required new patient form, I began reading an exciting article in Carpentry Today which caused me to fall fast asleep. Did I mention that I had been having trouble sleeping? Well, anyway just as I was getting into what appeared to be a promising dream, I was summoned into Dr. Schmuck's examining room.
I told Dr. Schmuck as succinctly as possible what was troubling me and he began examining me, having made no comment on my comments. He looked into my eyes with his little light and examined my eye grounds. He checked my reflexes by tapping my knees and tickling the soles of my feet with a pin. He asked me to walk in a straight line in a heel to toe manner. He gave me three words to remember, all of which began with the letter B - bread, barber and Berlin. Then he left the room for about ten minutes and when he returned, he asked me to repeat those three words. I did it easily and was rather proud when Schmuck broke the my spell of modest euphoria by saying, "You vill vant to schedule an appointment for an MRI and a sleep deprived EKG." I'm not sure I want to go through with those tests unless you think my condition is really serious ."
""You vill go through vith the tests because it is the only vay ve can tell if ve haff to cut into your brain."
A few days later, I went to the neighborhood hospital and had the tests completed although I think the idea of the sleep deprived EKG was for me to fall asleep but all I could manage was to doze for a minute or two and then wake abruptly.
Before entering the MRI chamber, the technician thoughtfully asked what kind of music I would like to hear and I requested some soft piano jazz. I felt that now I could possibly fall asleep. For the patient, the Magnetic Resonance Imaging device, as those of you who have experienced it will know, feels like you're encased in a sarcophagus while a bunch of wrestlers with sledge hammers are pounding on the outsides of the tube. There is no question of sleeping or even listening to music. I am told that the more modern MRIs are not nearly as bad as the one I was wheeled into. Anyway, back to the good Dr. Schmuck the following week for the results.
"Herr Schowler, let me ask you. Do you spend time vatching the news and reading newspapers?" "Yes, as a matter of fact I do. I watch the TV news on one or two stations every night and I .... "Vell schtop it! Und schtop reading newspapers, they're all published by Communists anyvay. During your EKG you mumbled something about arsenic in your vasser and pissing avay Social Security. You must give up newspapers for at least four years and no more vatching the news on TWee."
Well, I decided to follow Schmuck's advice (orders) and, I must say I'm feeling much better, it seems to be vorking.